A Thanksgiving to Remember

Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks for the many blessings in our lives, and we celebrate with turkey, stuffing and all the trimmings.  Being surrounded by family helps bring warmth to the holidays whether you are in the frozen tundra up north or the southern topical heat. This Thanksgiving we had endless turkey and stuffing, and lots of family by our side.  This Thanksgiving we gave thanks for an amazing man - my father!  You see, on Thanksgiving evening after days of taking care of him at home with hospice, we said goodbye for now and walked him to the gates of heaven.  My mother, all my brother and sisters and many grandchildren were by his side to the very end to celebrate his legacy with laughter and tears.  From a funny story of his antics to words of encouragement for ones who could not bear the thought of being without him, my father would have had it no other way.   

My father’s joy for life was evident from the very beginning.  As a handsome G.I. with knobby knees, he would capture the heart of Doris Jeanne, my mother.  Married for 55 years, God blessed them with seven children and 19 grandchildren (any many canine friends whom he loved dearly).  Both my mother and father worked hard to raise their children with God in their hearts and a great sense of well being.  Dad would jokingly tell everyone who would listen that he raised the seven kids on his own.  Mom would be right behind him smiling knowing better, but not saying a word.  He encouraged us from day one to be the best we could be.  His trust in us was unbelievable.  “Colleen, I don’t know what you are doing all the time when you’re away from home but I trust you will be making good decisions.”  For the most part, those words kept me from making bad decisions, not because I would get in trouble, but because I didn’t want to disappoint him.  

I look back on my life with my father and realize how it has shaped the person I am today.  I am a strong woman with backwards knees who on occasion would make some really bad decisions.  He never judged me.  There were plenty of times that he could have said, “Are you crazy young lady”.  Nope, not this man.  He loved me no matter what and supported me in all my decisions.   I try to treat my children the same way but I am too opinionated.:)  

My dad was a very funny man.  He was always cracking jokes, often with an inappropriate punch line and capped off with his signature grin/smirk.  Looking like Johnny Carson, and with the mannerisms of Regis Philbin, he always had an off color joke to tell.  My mother being the lady she is would just smile and say, “Oh Don!”   Even while he was sick he never lost his sense of humor.  About a week before he died, my niece Stacy was visiting him in the hospital.  While he was in the hospital we would always have to orient him due to his confusion.   Stacy asked, “Grandpa, do you know who I am”?  Grandpa replied, “If you don’t know who you are by now, your shit out of luck.”  Needless to say, that brought a smile to Stacy that day.  

He treasured all his family and we felt the same way.  He was always telling people that he was the luckiest man on earth.   Indeed he was quite lucky and blessed.  At 48 years of age he had a heart attack and had to have major heart surgery.  The doctors said that he was fortunate to have survived.  We were so blessed to have him for the 35 extra years.  He would always say, “The man upstairs will decide when it is time.” 

The man upstairs decided that Thanksgiving, November 24, 2011 was that time.  I don’t believe I will feel sad on future Thanksgivings just because he died on Thanksgiving.  I instead will be more cognizant of all the people in my life that I have been blessed with.  I once said a long time ago that when my father died, some part of me would die with him.  I was wrong.   If anything, I now have a new part of me that will carry on his legacy with only kindness in my heart.  I love you Dad! 

Family Treasures

Today while working out at the gym, I had a chance to reflect on this past weekend.  Yesterday I returned home from a wonderful weekend with some of the ladies in my family.  My parents live six months out of the year in Ft. Myers Florida.  Dad is 83 and Mom 80, we are blessed to have them in good health.  9 women were to invade their home for a long weekend of R&R.  My sister Kathy and I arrived on Thursday to prepare for the other 7 on Friday.  My parents were extremely excited about everyone's arrival.  Kathy and I did the grocery shopping and made a stop at the liquor store of course.  We spent a quite evening visiting with the folks.  Bright and early the next morning Kathy and I with 2 vans went to pick up the others from the airport.  There were sisters, sister in-laws and nieces.  Ranging from ages of 23 to 53.  Estrogen overload!  They arrived with hugs and kisses and some tears.  We loaded into the van and headed to the beach.  For those who have not been to Ft. Myers beach, it is a combination of large white sandy beaches and tropical hotels serving delicious drinks day and night.  Our first day was spent drinking margaritas and laughing as we shared stories of our families and past experiences.  We took a lot of pictures which took some time to accomplish when you have to take the same picture from 9 different cameras.  After the beach we made our way back home to greet our parents anxiously awaiting our arrival.  
Again through hugs, kisses and tears we started our first evening with some laughter and of course more drinks.  I made Shrimp tacos which went over pretty well.  We were quite tired to say the least so by 10pm some of us were already sleeping.  The younger nieces were quite surprised to see our early departure.  Grandma being the trooper she is, stayed up late to chat with the other late night warriors.
6am and I was up drinking my coffee and trying to be quiet to not wake up the rest.  Air mattresses lined the living room.  I was lucky to have gotten a bedroom.  First come, first served I say!!  I made a breakfast buffet consisting of fruits, low fat blueberry muffins, bagels and egg white fritattas.  It was a hit for the ladies who all were watching their waistline.  By 10 we were back of the road heading for a 75 degree day on the beach.  The traffic was not very accommodating.  It took us until 12 to get there.  Once there we settled right in for an amazing day together.  We all seemed to put our troubles on hold for our time with each other.  We appreciated what everyone had given up to be there on that glorious weekend.  That evening we celebrated my sister's birthday to her surprise.  Having her daughters by her side meant the world to her.  She lives in Arizona and her daughters in Michigan.  Not a day goes by that she doesn't miss them dearly.  Before this weekend, she had not seen her daughters since September of last year.  It was heart warming to see them together.
I made it to 11pm that night before I collapsed into bed.  Hey, thats pretty good considering I usually go to bed at 9pm.  First one up again with coffee in hand.  Last full day to relax.  We got a late start to the beach and ended up having to turn around because of traffic.  We spent the rest of the day at Mom and Dad's laying out by the water.  We made margaritas and talked about plans for what would now become an annual event.  That night we went out to dinner and some of the girls went to the bar afterwards.  The bar was not even a mile away.  The younger girls were going to party all night long.  There efforts were going well until my sisters showed up at 11pm in their pajama pants at the bar to tell them to come home! My 30, 27 and 23 year old nieces got told by the Aunts to come home.  OMG!  Well needless to say, there obeyed and stayed up until 2am whispering in their bed.  They will always be our babies!!
Well yesterday was spent cleaning and putting things back where they belonged.  My breakfast consisted of a limited menu.  It was kind of like a cruise ship.  The first day it is all bells and whistles at the buffet.  The last day it is cereal and coffee and get your butt off the ship.  By ten we were on the road to the airport.  Again more tears and promises of future trips to visit.  Back to reality with jobs, children and anxiously awaiting spouses.  We left my parents with great memories of a weekend full of fun and laughter.
As I reflected on my weekend I took many things away for my vacation.  Cherish your time with your family, for life won't always slow down for you to remember every moment.  Mothers, sisters and daughters, look at your family with non-judgmental eyes, for none of us are perfect.  We have all made mistakes and need our families to love us through thick and thin.
Thank you Mom and Dad for hosting our weekend together.  You are both an amazing couple and great parents!  I strive everyday to be just like you both.  I love you!
OK ladies get your butt off the ship and get back to work.  See you next year!
Take care

Honey, You're Not 21 Anymore!!!!

Ok, it's official I am 47 and proud of it!  For all my high school friends...... we rock at 47!  Of course somethings have changed since we were 18.  Things are falling out, down and over our belts.  We have traded in a blueberry muffin for a muffin top tummy and peaches and cream skin for botox injections  and night creams.  Menopause is the reason we are sweating in bed these days.  Hot flashes make you want to run out into the snow for 2 minutes and then get your butt back in the house before you catch a cold.  We use to be able to diet briefly to drop a couple of pounds, now dieting is a continuous process with very little change on the scale.  We either need to change your dieting habits or learn to love your body.  I have to admit, I have gotten more "it is what it is" lately about my body image.  Don't get me wrong, I haven't given up on trying to change it.  I am just not so obsessed with living every moment thinking about the bumps and bulges.  For those who know me well, they are aware of my passion for cooking.  I am a self taught chef according to some.  I love to cook and of course to sample my creations.
I studied wine for a year at University of Houston.  Now, that was a great curriculum.  Two nights a week I would come to this class.  We would test anywhere from 10-15 different wines from different regions around the world. To answer the burning question.......no I didn't get drunk.  We were required to spit most of it out.  Believe it or not it was a very challenging coarse study.  The test were grueling.  100 questions regarding history, processing, etc..... then 3 blind tasting having to identify several traits of the wine.  Some individuals have  natural palate for tasting and other really need to develop it.  Chris and I enjoy together the love for wine!  We try not to appreciate it too often.
The love of cooking and wine can lead down a heavy road if your not careful.  As you all know, as we have gotten older eating and drinking what we did in our twenties does work anymore.  Indigestion, waking up in the middle of the night with heartburn and retaining so much water that you wonder if you will ever be able to get your rings off again.  So what do we do to help the situation?  Workout!  Get to the gym as often as possible.  Working out in the morning seems to be the best bet.  Not because it is the best time for your body, but because it gives you less time to talk yourself out of going.  I need to go to the bank, grocery store and paint the kids room.......whatever works.  I remember making the bed the other day just before going to the gym.  No one was home and it was about 9am.  I was dressed for the gym and in my mind thinking of every good reason not to go.  I finally said out loud, "JUST DO IT ALREADY"!  I finished and went to the gym.  I get bored easily while at the gym.  I play music to occupy my time on the bike.  I cover up the time display so it passes by faster.  The other day while riding the bike I noticed that my upper arms were talking back to me.  I looked down at them and thought , you have got to be kidding me.  Needless to say I finished my workout with tricep and bicep machines.   I laugh at this because back in the day I use to get so upset by any sign of aging.  Now........... it is what it is!  I have control of some of it and the other stuff is called aging with grace and a sense of humor.
Talk to you later
Take care

Check up Day

Happy Tuesday everyone!  I just wanted to update you on my recent visit to the oncologist.  As I had mentioned before,  MDAnderson Cancer Center is like a city.  Every floor is a different type of cancer.  You see every conceivable type of individual.  While waiting for my appointment, I saw an elderly man who was missing his nose.  Just a flat bandage over the site of where it use to be.  I couldn't help but say a prayer for him at that moment and thank God for my many blessings.
My floor is number seven, "lucky #7"!  That is the gastrointestinal floor.  My appointment started today with a mad rush just to get there.  I had worked today and met Chris at MDA.  Chris comes to all my oncology appointments.  I got there and they called me into the vitals room.  This is where they WEIGH you.  Ok, as usual I weighed myself this morning.  Of course you gain weight as you progress through your day.  Two and a half pounds!  I would completely strip on those scales if they would let me!  Luckily, Chris was still in the waiting area.  We then went into one of the exam rooms.  Very small!  Exam table , chairs and a computer.   They let the patients go on the internet because you guessed it, the wait can be long.  My doctor is usually prompt.  During my wait my husband tries to occupy my thoughts.  We played a game on my IPad.  During this time, I am in silent prayer almost continuously.
 A knock at the door means the doctor is here.  Actually, he is quite nice.  "So how are you doing Mrs. Sullivan?"  I can hardly think of anything except THE RESULTS!.  I sit there and wring my hands.  I tell him I am fine.  "All your test results are normal".  I grab Chris's knee with relief.  I silently thank God for another blessing.  I relax and can think again.  He examines me and we discuss what plans he has for me for the future.  In three months they will do a CT, MRI and draw additional blood.  At that time he will consider moving my exams to yearly.  Yearly!   Around two years ago he was looking into my husband's eyes and saying I am sorry.  I can't even begin to tell you how this makes me feel.  I have fought long and hard for this day and many to come.  I thank God for the early Birthday present.
We say our goodbyes to my doctor.  We walk out pass the waiting room filled with many patients and visitors.  Some in wheelchairs too weak to walk and some with their hair growing back knowing that those treatments are finally over.  They are in all different stages of cancer survival.  Then there is the woman with her husband walking out the door hand in hand.  She looks like she works there but in all actuality she is a patient who five years ago was told she had cancer and now is cancer-free!  Love to all.
Take care

Celebration!

Celebration is way under rated.  We just don't celebrate as much as we should.  I for one am going to change that starting today!  First, I want to celebrate the fact that I graduated yesterday from physical therapy.  Yep, thats right, I have a certificate to prove it.  You know how we put the children's grades on the refrigerator?  Well, in our house it is our medical tribulations.  I took down the great colonoscopy report and put up my certificate:)  My physical therapist indicated that I am stronger and can continue on at the gym or at home.  Another thing that we should all celebrate is the fact that there is now a drink called the "skinny margarita"!  I went to a great Mexican restaurant over the weekend.  They have great frozen margaritas!  While my husband and I were taking the last sips of the drink, the waiter ask if we wanted to try another.  We hesitated just briefly and the waiter mentioned that we also had the skinny margarita.  Being very skeptical, we decided to try it.  I am here to say it was just like the first one.  Lets all put our hands together for the woman that came up with that!  I forgot to ask what the calorie difference was?  Does anyone out there happen to know?
One of the reasons I chose to write about celebrating is because I will turn 47 next Wednesday.  My husband ask, "what would you like for your birthday"?  It is always the same answer.  Good health, cancer-free and to figure out how in the world my yorkie can eat and sleep all day and still only weigh 6 pounds!  Taylor, what is your secret?  She is 12 years old and looks like a puppy.  Anyway, I digress.
I would like to celebrate before my birthday.  I have my blood drawn tomorrow and will meet with the oncologist next Tuesday for my results.  It is always a difficult time for me as that day gets closer.  You start to think about the what ifs.  I pray a lot more than I usually do.  I also try to occupy my time so I don't think too much about it.  On Tuesday I would like to celebrate.
So everyone, lets raise our skinny margaritas and celebrate the big and little things in life.  While we are at it, can a get a few more prayers for Tuesday's results.  Thanks and take care.

Bikini Season is Coming

The holidays are over.  The decorations are down and the weather is getting colder.  It does get cold here, just not like those northern states.  I sit here with the fireplace on in my pajama pants and a old t-shirt.  It is one of those days that three good movies and a blanket could cure.  You know those days, you crave carbs and warmth.  Needless to say, I probably won't get a lot done today.
 Ok, let get real, I'm going to talk about rehabilitation and weight today.  Now that I know what problem I have with my legs, I am determined to do something about it!  I go to physical therapy twice a week.  Christa is my therapist.  I bring her skinny lattes and she doesn't yell at me!  Just kidding, she would never yell.  I am a pretty compliant patient.  She has me putting on leg weights and marching around the room.  A person cannot take themselves seriously when walking past a mirror in sweats in a full march.  I believe that the P.T. is helping.  My walking is stronger but I still have just as much difficulty walking up stairs.
Besides P.T. I workout at least 4 times a week.  I use to workout with a trainer about a year ago.  I ran into her two days ago and she did not recognize me at first.  I now have long hair.  She says to me, "OMG you look great.  You look so toned."  I looked at her and thought, OMG you need glasses Honey!  I told her about the recent medical developments.  She offered to help me once more.  She has a rehab background so she will be a great asset!  My goal is to get stronger and lose this weight.  How much you wonder?  There is only a few people that no that.  They are my doctor and nurse.  Every time I walk into the office I have to be weighed.  Give me a break, can't I just tell you what it said on the scale this morning (minus 5#).  I especially love it when Chris is in the room and they already got my weight which he has no idea what it is.  They are thumbing through my chart and say, "How much do you weight?"  For God sake man can you not read?  If looks could kill there would be a number of employees missing from MDA!  I have no choice to say it and Chris pretends to not be paying attention.  Yeah right!
I love watching the biggest loser!  I always thought that body bug that they wear on their arm was cool.  I bought one about three months ago.  It monitors the calories that you burn daily.  Their is a computer program that you put your daily intake in.  At the end of the day you can find out how many calories in versus calories burned.  I was diligent about putting everything down.  I probably burned about 1000 calories more then I took in.  3500 cal in a week burned would be a pound lost.  7000 , two pounds, great!  End of the week I had burned 7000 calories and either stayed the same or gained a pound!  Ok, something is wrong with this bug.  I tried it for three months and it now sits in the top drawer of my bathroom.
I eat pretty well.  Breakfast is either vegs with egg whites or fruit with fiber one.  Yes, like an old lady!  Lunch is similar.  Salad with protein or Subway's vegetable sub with vinegar only.  All is well until 2 or 3 pm hits.  Kids aren't home yet.  All the errands are done.  The pantry starts to call my name.  The chocolate and nuts are stored in this evil place!  Now, I will stay away by eating something healthy (fruit or yogurt).  As soon as I do that it makes me want more.  This is definitely a problem time.  I decided that I would try to workout at 4pm after picking up the kids.  I did it a couple of times and came home hungrier then when I left.  Dinner is easy because I am full by the time this comes:{  I think I need to make a list of things to do between 2 and 6pm.  Does anyone need their house painted?  Nighttime eating is not an issue. We have dinner at 7pm and in bed around 9-10.
I think I need a workout buddy that doesn't make me get up at 5am. (no offense Honey!)  I also need to fill my time more efficiently.  Until then, which will hopefully be by tomorrow I will keep my head up and my cravings down.  Take care.

Courage and Strength

"Courage is doing what you're afraid to do.  There can be no courage unless you're scared." -Edward Vernon Rickenbacker-

During my time rehabilitating from my kidney, my cousin was diagnosed with lung cancer.  He was just a couple years older then I am now.  I will call him M.  The kindest person you would ever want to meet.  An amazing family with a lot of brothers and sisters to boot.  I couldn't help to put myself in his shoes because his cancer was advanced.  I sometime would get reports on his condition and just be numb by everything he and his family was experiencing.  In January of 2009 M loss the battle he fought so well.  I pray every night for his families strength and courage to move forward.  I am told often, "I could never do what you did."  I didn't ever believe in a million years before this diagnosis that I would ever be tested to this extent.  I do truly believe that I am so much stronger today then ever.  Physical strength not so much, we will get into that soon.  Emotional strength is what I mean.  I look at things from a different perspective.  I see Gods hand in so many things that I use to ignore 6 years ago.  I give people who are rude and cut me off on the road a pass.  I think to myself what is going on in their life that troubles them.  I can't tell you how many times I had terror running through my mind and still had to go on doing my daily activities.  I am sure I probably cut a few people off on the road as well.  In fact I think I recall seeing a few fingers in the last 6 years in my rear view mirror:)

Now that the prep talk is over lets talk about MDA.  Wow, that is quite a place!  I cannot say more wonderful things about it.  I love my doctors and nurses.  My doctor still freaks me out a little.  I see him every 3 months.  All clear so far!  I walk into MDA and I am humbled immediately.  Teenagers with their jeans hanging down on their backside like on the streets.  The only thing different is they have no hair and they are wearing a mask.  A young couple in their 20s walking down the hall hand in hand.  The PICC line hanging out of his shirt sleeve.  Some are here and new to the system and some are there to follow up after several years of being cancer free.  Either way, they are all survivors on that day!  God bless you MDA for doing what you do so well!
  My husband and I wanted to start the New Year of 2010 out being healthy and strong.  We already had gym memberships, but had decided to go at 5am every morning before work.  I was having difficulty after the surgery with climbing stairs and needed to build my muscles.  I would do the treadmill and precor.  I will tell you that I do not like working out at 5am. Sorry Honey!  Once in a while I could convince him he wanted to stay in that bed.  I tried to workout 5 days a week.  I could always tell how I was doing with strength by walking up the stairs at the gym.  The strange thing about my strength was I was getting weaker instead of stronger?  Now, I don't know about you but, I am a nurse and cancer survivor, I know my body really well.  From aches and pains to lumps and bumps.  I think I might be a little more lumpy these days:(  I said to Chris, "I know my body and I can tell you something is wrong."  I have no pain, it was like by legs won't work.  I found it hard to climb stairs and get off a chair without pushing on the arms.  To squat down to pick something up, forget it!  I could squat but had to push up on the ground to bring my legs back up.  I called the doctor and told him I needed a neuro consult.  I first thing I thought of course was a spinal mass.  Here we go again!  I had an appointment this past summer with neuro. They did a MRI of the spine, normal.  Spinal tap, normal.  Blood, normal.  EMG, showed irritation in a nerve root. It was the one that controls the upper legs.  They were baffled.  There was no cancer, thank God.  They blamed it on the Lupus.  I thought that was strange and so did my lupus doctor.  They kept pointing fingers at each other.  Its cancer related, its lupus related.  People can we all get on the same page please!
Luckily, my lupus doctor gave me physical therapy twice a week.  During this time, I noticed the strength issue was more right sided.  I was working the legs but not seeing any improvement.  My lupus doctor finally sent me to a specialist.  He also was puzzled.  That guy sent me to a neuromuscular doctor from Baylor.  I walked into his office.  He asked me to only answer the questions, give no other information.  Yes, the Dr. House of Neuro!  Within ten minutes he had my diagnosis.  Are you ready for this one? Radiation induced lumbarsacral plexopathy.  5 years ago I had radiation to my pelvic region due to colon cancer.  It changed my DNA in my neurons in that area.  I have lost that nerve conduction in that area.  So my legs muscles are fine but the nerve isn't telling them to get your butt up those stairs.  Finally, someone knows what is wrong!  Ok, lets say this is it.  What do we do now?  What is the treatment?  "There is no treatment and no cure"  It will not get any better, it will continue to get worse, but at some point it will plateau and stop progressing. "  You have got to be kidding me!  Un ________believeable.  I looked it up on the internet and their I was in all its glory.  So, as I said before, I guess I will never run a marathon.  Now, you are probably having a visual of me dragging my leg or limping around.  No, I look completely normal, just don't ask me to climb those darn stairs.  I can climb the stairs but it takes me a while to get up there.  Our home is two stories.  Thank God for Maria my housekeeper.  I tell the kids, "clean your room, I will be up there is ten minutes to check". Oh right!!!!  I send Chris up there instead:)
I am still wrapping my head around this one.  I go to P.T. twice a week and feel like I am slightly stronger.  I hope that I have plateaued.
I write this blog not to get pity for my challenges.  I write to say that no matter what I have been through I will always be thankful that I am here to write to you.  God obviously has a plan for me.  Being a mother, wife, patient advocate or a blogger that can inspire others when days are not so good.  I am not sure what his plan is, all I know is that I have gone against the odds and come out the other end with a stronger since of myself and those around me.  I am blessed and oh so thankful! Take care!!